Heartbreak, Healing, and Cherished Takeaways
When babies are born they are dependent on their mothers and fathers. Our brains are designed to imprint our mother’s face as our “chosen object” of devotion and love. Society teaches us to place love and respect in other chosen objects. In faith based cultures, the chosen object is the head of the organization; think Jesus, Buddha, Abraham, Siva, Ganesha, etc. In relationships our chosen object is the partner or the friend, and in learning relationships our chosen object is either teacher or subject. I was like any other child, and my chosen object was my mother.
When I was 9 I realized my mother was going to die. I was sitting in meditation, and I asked God if my mother was going to die. He answered: Yes. I told her, but she didn’t believe me. Three years later my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She died when I was 16. When I lost her, I lost my chosen object. Although I was very religious at the time, I was always quite aware that every embodiment was an embodiment of God. I knew at a young age that no teacher was closer to God, that no intermediary was necessary and God is simply a part of our fabric, but I unconsciously imprinted as an infant on my mother and she was my world.
Within 3 months my father had a heart attack and a stroke leaving him paralyzed on the left side of his body. He was no longer able to work, and after complications died 21 months after my mother. My father was an only child which left the care of his aging parents in my hands. Over the next 12 years I took care of my grandfather whom died of Alzheimers and my grandmother whom died of Leukemia.
After the death of my grandmother 3 years ago I began an intensive pilgrimage to The Self. I studied, meditated, prayed, sang, practiced, and chanted. I worked my material to the core and the pearl of wisdom I found was a sweet surprise. What I realized from the last 22 years is this: Perception is not reality, and reality is not perception. There is no such thing as loss. Everything is an opportunity to Awaken more deeply into Christ consciousness.
First, my perception of loss was inaccurate. If I asked myself what is true, without projection and without my learned/automatic response I can see that I am human. All humans die. My mother, father, grandmother, grandfather were all human, and what I know of humans is that they all die. Loss is the fact or process of losing something or someone; but if I ask if I lost something or someone I have to be honest–I didn’t. I gained the opportunity to care, love, hold space, and share in experience with four beautiful humans. I didn’t lose, I gained so much. And to lose something implies that you don’t know where it is, but I know where Source goes–back to Source. So, my perception that I lost something was simply a learned response to an experience based on societies influence on my family and my mental fabric.
Finally, I can see now that all experiences, no mater how difficult or painful, are an opportunity for deeper connection to Self, Source, and Soul. I realize now that my perception prevented me from seeing this only with my mother, and only because I was so young. I am gratefully exploring the vastness of love, compassion, and generosity that flows from the wellspring of love that is Soul, Source, Self. To see this is an ultimate blessing.
Sitting here, finishing a day of catching up, yoga therapy, reading, and family time I am struck by the beautiful design of Christ consciousness. When we sink fully into the well of Source we can forgive anything, love everyone, and resource ourselves and others. Through this transformative awareness I feel whole, complete, and balanced. I can see now clearly what my chosen object is and I know how to foster this awareness to further support my journey.